Sunday, September 16, 2012

Writing an Informal Letter



* A hardworking student from across the China Sea requested me to check her essay. I have never met her and only know her through email but I praise her effort to improve her writing. Students should follow her footsteps.
In this post, the original names and address have been changed.

From: *** <***>
To: nuhazyun@yahoo.com
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 4:36 PM
Subject: Teacher Nuha, I need your help, I am a student from miri,sarawak.

Hello teacher Nuha, I had viewed your blog yesterday. Your blog is very interesting, it does help me alot ^^
I'm ***, a student from miri, sarawak. a form 3 student and I'm going to face PMR.
I need your help in english. I always get B/C in english exam, but I hope to get A for english in PMR.
Here is my essay, can you help me to mark my english essay?  

You have just spent your school holiday in Malacca. Use the short note below, write a letter to your friend overseas about your holiday in Malacca. 

Historical Sites
  • Visited A Famosa
  • Bought souvenirs
Crocodile Farm
  • saw many species of crocodiles
  • watched crocodile-feeding sessions
Mahkota Parade
  • large shopping complex
  • watched movie in cineplex
A Famosa Water World
  • enjoyed water games
  • picnic

sorry I don't remember the full sentences of the note. I had tried my best to write it out >_< 
so here is my essay. :) the full marks is 35. please give me the marks of my essay ya. >_<

Lot 1305,
Taman Perdana,
Jalan Bakawali,
98000 Miri,
Sarawak.

Dear Margaret,

            Hey! How are you recently? I had received your letter last week. You said you had joined a english essay competition which was organised by your school, and you won the champion! Congratulation! You did a great job! I'm sure that your parents should be proud of you. Besides, sorry for the late reply. Because I have just spent my school holiday in Malacca with my lovely family. So, let's talk about my trip in Malacca.

            On the first day of my trip in Malacca, we went to the historical sites of Malacca, A Famosa. We bought some souvenirs there, we have also take photographs there. After visited A Famosa, we went to visit the crocodile farm. The way to go to crocodile farm was very bumpy and need 2 hours to reach there. But we chat happily with each others so we don't feel tired on the way to crocodile farm.  I saw many species of crocodiles there, it's really interesting! It helped me to exhanced my knowledge. We have also watched crocodile-feeding sessions. I wish that you can watched with me because it's really horrible that many crocodiles get their food together!

            On the next day, we went to Mahkota Parade, which is a large shopping complex and very famous in Malacca. There sell so many things that worth to buy it. The price is so cheap the the things is beautiful with creative. We have also watch movie in the cineplex which is situated in the Mahkota Parade. It had a very large movie screen and it's really comfortable to watch a movie there. After that, we have rest for a while in our hotel and went to the A Famosa Water World which is near by our hotel. We enjoyed water games and had a picnic there. It's so fun!

            We went back to miri on the next day. I had a really sweet memories during the trip. I'm so regret about didn't take photographs when visited the crocodile farm. I've forgot about it. So, that's all about my school holiday. How about you? How do you spent your school holiday? I'm really interested to know about it. Anyways, wish you all the best and have a healthy body. Don't forget to bring my wish to your parents too.  Wait for your reply. God bless.

Your faithfully,

Victoria.

Corrected essay:


Hi ***, 

Sorry for the late reply. Nice to meet someone from across the China Sea virtually.. Thanks for the comment about my blog :)
I've already checked your essay. Good effort ***!  


Essay (words in red indicate corrections, words in blue indicate suggestions)
Comments
Lot 1305,
Taman Perdana,
Jalan Bakawali,
98000 Miri,
Sarawak.
15 September 20121


Dear Margaret,

            Hey! How are you recently? I hope you and your family are in the pink. My family and I are as fit as a fiddle. I had2 received your letter last week. You said you had joined participated in an English Essay Competition which was organised by your school and you won were the champion! Congratulations! You did a great job! I'm sure that your parents should would be proud of you. Besides, sorry for the late reply. This is because I have just spent my school holiday in Malacca with my lovely family. So, let's talk about my trip in Malacca.

            On the first day of my trip in Malacca, we went to the historical sites of Malacca, A Famosa. We bought some souvenirs there. We have also taken3 photographs there. After visited visiting A Famosa, we went to visit the crocodile farm. The way to go to the crocodile farm was very bumpy and need it took us 2 two hours to reach there. But we chatted happily with each others other so we don't feel tired on the way to the crocodile farm.  I saw many species of crocodiles there. it's It was really interesting! It helped me to exhanced enhance my knowledge. We have also watched the crocodile-feeding sessions. I wish that you can watched4 could watch the session with me because it's it was really horrible that to see many crocodiles getting their food together!

            On The next day, we went to Mahkota Parade which is a large shopping complex and very famous in Malacca. There are sell so many things in Mahkota Parade that are worth to buy it buying. The price is so cheap and the the things is are beautiful. with creative. Some things are creatively made. We have also watched a movie in the cineplex which is situated in the Mahkota Parade. It had has a very large movie screen and it's it was really comfortable to watch a movie there. After that, we have had a rest for a while in our hotel. Next, we and went to the A Famosa Water World which is located nearby our hotel. We enjoyed water games and had a picnic there. It's It was so fun! We had a whale of a time in Malacca.

            We went back to Miri on the next day. I had a really really had a lot of sweet memories during the trip. I'm so regret about didn't take not taking photographs when I visited the crocodile farm. I've forgot about it. So, that's all about my school holiday. How about you? How do you spent spend your school holiday? I'm really interested to know about it. Anyways Anyway, I wish you all the best. And May you have a healthy body. Don't forget to bring send my best wishes to your parents too. I hope that you’ll Wait for your reply soon. May God bless you. Let me pen off here. Bye.

Yours faithfully sincerely,
Victoria






1Write the date.




2If ‘had received’ are used, the time is not stated. “I had/have received your letter.”
  








3The verb following "have/has/had” must be written in the participle tense form. For example,have taken, have eaten, have written, have watched, etc.




4”could” is the past tense for “can”. The verb following can/could must be the root word.


* Avoid joining many ideas in a sentence.




























Yours faithfully is used when writing a formal letter.
Band / Mark
C - 12


I welcome additional comments from other viewers. Thank you.

For guidelines to write an informal letter, click this link: http://teachernuha.blogspot.com/2011/08/guidelines-to-write-informal-letter.html

Reference:

  1. (the use of "yours sincerely/faithfully") A S Hornby, Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary (Fifth Edition)
  2. (the use of "yours sincerely/faithfully") http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv245.shtml
  3. (the use of "congratulations") http://www.thefreedictionary.com/congratulation
  4. (the use of "champion") http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=2241731
  5. (the use of "so")  http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm#so
  6. (the use of "this is because")  http://www2.elc.polyu.edu.hk/cill/exercises/itisbecause.htm
  7. (the use if "the next day")  http://www.englishforums.com/English/TheNextDayOnTheNextDay/bclgm/post.htm
  8. (the use of "that or which")  http://oxforddictionaries.com/words/that-or-which
  9. (the new PMR English marking scheme)  http://www.scribd.com/doc/101948532/English-Paper-2-Answer-Scheme-Perak-s-PMR-Trial-2012
  10. Picture credit to Mystic Arts, LLC. Source:http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31200000/Writing-writing-31277215-579-612.jpg)

9 comments :

9KDemon said...

Thank You,Teacher nuha

Teacher Nuha said...

You're welcome 9KDemon.

Anonymous said...

thanks 4 tis essay

Anonymous said...

Verkhin: at the last sentences . We can write ' I enjoyed it or I liked it . Maybe lah kan teacher. Tehehe :D

Anonymous said...

can we say "i hope you are in the pink of health".

Anonymous said...

paragraph 2, line 10- ...we DIDNT feel...
para 3, line 7 - some things WERE made..
last paragraph, line 7- how DID you...
anyway, can u please explain why present tense was used in para. 3?
TQVM..

Anonymous said...

thanks for the essay

Nur Nasuha Che Zani said...

teacher nuha, i had trouble with my idiom. i hope that you can help me. i need a different idioms for my informal letter. please help me :(

Teacher Nuha said...

Salam Nasuha, you may refer to this post http://teachernuha.blogspot.com/2014/03/using-idioms-in-essays.html?m=1

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