Monday, September 17, 2012

Writing a narrative (story writing)


*Let's improve our writing by writing more in English.

From: *** <***>
To: nuha <nuhazyun@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2012 6:01 PM
Subject: Re:

Teacher, this is an essay done by me just now. Guided writing, PMR 2010

Last Friday, Rahim was on his way to school. He can hear the birds chirping along with cold fresh air and it was a sunny day. Suddenly, Rahim bumped into a bag. He was suspicious. But he wasnt brave enough to open it up. However, after a few minutes, Rahim finally have the courage to see whats inside the bag.

To his surprise, the bag contained a lot of money! He looked around to see if it is someone's belonging. Unfortunately, he can only see nobody. Rahim knew he was late for school. But at the same time, he's eager to know the truth. He was determined to send the bag to the police station.

There, the policeman praised and thanked him for helping. The policeman said he will investigate what's the money all about. He told Rahim to go back home and rest his mind. The policeman said he will inform Rahim if there's any news.

Rahim continued his walk to school. It was 9 o'clock in the morning when he finally arrived at school. The principal, Encik Ahmad asked him why he came late. Rahim explained everything very carefully to the principal. Encik Ahmad didnt believe him. The principal was very angry and said it was all an excuses made by Rahim to escape from getting any warning. He told Rahim to go back to his class and meet him at the discipline room during recess. 

At 10 o'clock, Rahim quickly went to the discipline's room. He was afraid but he need to face the reality at the same time. As Rahim came into the principal's room, he saw a familiar face sitting opposite the principal. It was the policeman he met at the police station earlier this morning. The policeman said he explained everything to the principal, Encik Ahmad. Encik Ahmad understood everything apologized to Rahim. The policeman informed Rahim that the money he found in the bag has something to do with a robbery that happened few days ago. He thanked Rahim again for his cooperation. Rahim was ecstatic that he helped a policeman.

Corrected essay:

Essay (words in red indicate corrections)
Comments





Last Friday, Rahim was on his way to school. He can could1 hear the birds chirping along with in the cold fresh air and it was a sunny day. Suddenly, Rahim bumped into2 saw a bag. He was suspicious. But he wasnt3 was not brave enough to open it up. However, after a few minutes, Rahim finally have had the courage to see whats what was inside the bag.

To his surprise, the bag contained a lot of money! He looked around to see if it is was someone's belonging. Unfortunately, he can could only see nobody. Rahim knew he was late for school. But at the same time, he's he was eager to know the truth. He was determined to send the bag to the police station.

There At the police station, the policeman praised and thanked him for helping. The policeman said he will would4 investigate what's what was the money all about. He told Rahim to go back home and rest his mind. The policeman said he will would inform Rahim if there's there were any news.

Rahim continued his walk to school. It was 9 o'clock in the morning when he finally arrived at school. The principal, Encik Ahmad asked him why he came late. Rahim explained everything very carefully to the principal. Encik Ahmad didnt did not believe him. The principal was very angry and said it was all an excuses made by Rahim to escape from getting any warning5. He told Rahim to go back to his class and meet him at the discipline room during recess. 

At 10 o'clock, Rahim quickly went to the discipline's room. He was afraid but he need needed to face the reality at the same time. As Rahim came into the principal's room, he saw a familiar face sitting opposite the principal. It was the policeman he met at the police station earlier this morning. The policeman said he had explained everything to the principal, Encik Ahmad. Encik Ahmad understood everything and apologized to Rahim. The policeman informed Rahim that the money he found in the bag has had something to do with a robbery that happened few days ago. He thanked Rahim again for his cooperation. Rahim was ecstatic that he had helped a policeman.

A narrative / story must be written in past tense.

1 “could” is the past tense for “can”

2 “bumped into” means “crashed into”

saw = noticed / caught a glimpse of

3 For exam purpose, do not use contractions like wasn’t / I’m / It’s in an essay except in informal letters / dialogues.

4 “would” is the past tense for “will”

5 maybe the word “warning” can be replaced with “punishment”

Good expressions:
- suspicious
- determined
- ecstatic


Band / Mark
C-14

How to improve marks:
  1. Do not mix present tense and past tense in your essay. A narrative essay should be written mostly in past tense.
  2. To make your essay outstanding, use more interesting expressions like idioms, similes and bombastic words.
  3. For examination purpose, do not use contractions like wasn't, it's, I'm and etc in your essay. Spell in full - was not, I am, it is and etc. However, you may use contractions in informal letters and dialogues.
All the best!

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